Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be.
I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor.

Original Article

1 Month and 2 Weeks

Dear Hannah,

Its been 1 month and 2 weeks since you've been gone. It seems like just yesturday. I can still remember every emotion, every feeling all of it. I remember your smell, how soft your skin was, the texture of your hair. I miss you so much. I am sorry I haven't been out to see your grave. I can't do it right now. I want to but I love you so much. I know daddy misses you a lot to. He doesn't show in tears, but you can tell it tears him apart. Kids still ask about you, where you are. By the way, the kids are jealous you can count to 24 before they cam. They think that it's really cool! We keep seeing ladybugs everywhere. I went to church yesturday for the first time since your funeral. It was very hard, but I say a ladybug on the ceiling, so that helped a little bit. I wish you were hear. I can't go near baby girls right now. I'm sad because I don't have my baby girl. In 5 days it's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Mummy and Daddy are planning to light candles to remember you.

Love and Miss you,
Mummy xoxo